Smells Like Teen Spirit

"Enlightenment is man's emergence from his self-imposed immaturity. Immaturity is the inability to use one’s understanding without guidance from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in lack of understanding, but in lack of resolve and courage to use it without guidance from another. Sapere Aude!"

Immanuel Kant, 30 September 1784

I was 12 years old the first time I achieved enlightenment. It was the dying seconds of an Australian Rules Football match, and we were down exactly one goal. The ball came to me and time stopped. I could've gone home, showered, and came back fresh for that final kick. I floated in the air as I helplessly watched my body execute seasons of practice. I watched the ball curve, tumble, and thread its way into the goal. I watched my dad celebrate - he had been doing more cardio than me running up and down the sidelines. And finally, after the longest instant, I was back. I rode the parade all night; my bedtime being exempt as the match hero. In that second, I was both me and not. It was me who kicked that goal, for sure, but it wasn't me who told me to do it. I played contact sports for years, savoring that moment.

Another time I achieved enlightenment was when I committed to the University of Washington. Every pro and con list pointed in a different direction. Every friend and counselor told me to go elsewhere. I had visited my other schools, and I had never been to Washington. I had friends on the East Coast and was alone in the Wild West. But how often in life are we allowed to start fresh? It began as a feeling in the pit of my stomach, not unlike the feeling of forgetting something when packing for a trip. No matter what, however, I could not convince myself to ignore it. So I sent it, with no rhyme or reason, and haven't looked back since. By others' standards, it was a completely immature decision. But by Kant's standards, I truly believe I was guided by my understanding, without an ounce of outside help.

So why do these moments stick out? Frankly, it's easy to remember your life as a highlight reel when it is anything but. Have you ever watched a Lord of the Rings movie? You walk out feeling slapped in the face by all the peak moments of the books mushed together. You can't convey a life story through a mixtape. I didn't feel enlightened just because something good happened. It was the mundane: the rainy practices, the solemn studying, the rampant procrastination. The mundane makes the good better. Without boring, all our highlights would just be, well, lights.

I bring this up because unfortunately, I have not achieved enlightenment in a while. Please don't get me wrong; I'm happy. I love my family, friends, and career. I am so grateful for my good fortune and have had countless opportunities to see the world. So why am I struggling to crest this hill? Why do I still feel immature?

Ten months ago I closed my eyes and opened them again. I had such big dreams of success when I put on that cap and gown, but I am struggling to feel it. People may say it depends on how you look at it, and that's true. I have seen my friends and family plenty, despite the distance. I'm in a happy relationship and live in a beautiful apartment. I have a job as an international student in 2024. Is that success? Could be. But I am not on a yacht in Monaco. I haven't purchased multiple homes for my family. I'm happy but confused. Ten months ago I closed my eyes just to open them again without any clarity of what I've been working towards.

You see, the thing about me is that I hate staying stagnant. I always want to feel like I am on the move, achieving bigger and better things. I thrive in ambiguity - this I know. I'm scared of the boring because it feels too still. But now when I look back I've done so much and so little. I've climbed plenty of small hills but made no real progress towards my Everest. Shit, most days I don't even know what my Everest is. And it is the solemn realization that I have fallen into this classic trap where I knew I needed a change. It's the flaw of the human condition to be lazy in comfort and for me, I had accepted the feeling of busyness as growth. I need to harness my unwillingness to accept complacency as a strength, of course, but more importantly, I need to thrive in the mundane. To wake up every day and build upon the prior. Sure I may not know the mountain I will end up climbing, and that's ok. More often than not, putting one foot in front of the other will eventually get you above the clouds.

So I guess that's why I am writing this. The blog and website, among other things, serve as a pedometer, per se: a way to capture the steps I've taken. I intend to build upon my brand day-by-day, minute-by-minute. Ten months from now when I open my eyes I don't just want to say that I've felt busy; I want - I need - something to show for it. I have no idea if this is a breakthrough, an epiphany, enlightenment, or just a Friday, but I am sure I will figure it out.